That Girl's Got Woe (Whoa)
by overbiter
Summary: 2 months of therapy and a few visits to the psychiatrist and suddenly there was a name- a clear cut diagnoses -of all the fucked up things inside of her brain.- This is one of Quinn Fabray's therapy sessions.


**A/N: **Hello. So this is was supposed to be a quick drabble, but then I kept writing and writing and all of this kind of just had to come out. There's not many fics that deal with Quinn's mental state, and that's the gist of this. I am in no means an expert on bipolar disorder, and while I have researched symptoms and treatment and have dealt with people who have had it, some of the things in this fic aren't going to be 100% medically accurate, so I hope I don't offend anyone. Spoilers up through Hold On To Sixteen, but there are definitely some original aspects to this. Faberry is a conversation topic but this story is definitely Quinn-centric. The title of this fic comes from the song Woe by Say Anything. Also, don't worry, chapter 18 of GEHK is about halfway done.

Disclaimers: I don't own Glee or the character Quinn Fabray. Unbetad. I hope you guys enjoy, and reviews are always appreciated.

* * *

Quinn tightened her shoulders and exhaled deeply, bracing herself for another hour of absolute fun. 2 months of therapy and a few visits to the psychiatrist and suddenly there was a name- a clear cut diagnoses -of all the fucked up things inside of her brain. And despite the time spent just on the other side of this heavy mahogany door she was still terrified. Confronting her problems, talking about her _feelings_, that was what her nightmares were based on, (accompanied by rejection and laughter from whoever important person she was confessing to).

It's just that she really couldn't ignore them anymore, not after a horrible makeover and breakdown that led to her trying to steal her daughter back from her adoptive mother. She was messed up, she was sad, and she didn't know what the Hell to do about it. She knew she couldn't carry on like this anymore. Maybe her thoughts were right, maybe no one really did care about her, but she at least cared about herself a little. Enough to pull out her health insurance card from her mom's purse and research which child therapists would be paid for under her plan.

Besides giving up her daughter to someone who could actually provide her with a life a 16 year old couldn't, it was the most responsible thing she had ever done.

With that ringing through her head she opened her eyes and knocked firmly on the door, three times.

"Come in." A soft voice instructed from the other side. Quinn steadied herself and grasped the cool brass door knob in her hand. She turned it and pushed it open, letting the gentle light from the office pour out into the dim hallway and flood her eyes.

She stepped inside the office, with its gray carpets and blue hues. She closed the door behind her with a harsh thud that sentenced her to the squishy gray arm chair for the next 60 minutes.

Her therapist, Theresa Moorse, sat hunched over her stained wooden desk, fingers typing furiously over the keys of her Mac Book.

"Just one second, Quinn. I have to finish up this email." Theresa said over the clacking of her keyboard, her tone frenzied and regretful. Quinn nodded in acceptance, not realizing that Theresa couldn't see her, and flopped down into her chair. In spite of it being her own personal death row, the chair itself was quite comfortable she admitted to herself. She sank a few inches into the cushion and groaned as her bones resettled into a position that would have her old etiquette teacher cry out in horror.

Theresa spun around in her office chair to face Quinn, a relieved breath of a sigh escaping her lips.

"I'm so sorry about that Quinn. I had to email the building manager. The phones are down once again, of course, and that moron refuses to upgrade the system."

Quinn grimaced a smile. Theresa was a good therapist. Gentle when she needed to be, and harshly honest. She knew when to poke and prod, and when to leave Quinn to her thoughts. And her soft grey-blue eyes and gentle smile was friendly enough.

Theresa was young, maybe mid thirties, which to Quinn was a relief. When she had stepped over the threshold for the first time she had expected to meet some haughty old woman in a pant suit, her business style clashing with 'relaxing' decor of miniature waterfalls and Enya playing softly in the background. She had been shocked to find a woman in her mid thirties with frazzled brown hair, dressed in designer jeans and a cardigan, sitting in the middle of a messy office.

She liked Theresa enough. Her reluctance to open up was her own problem, one that was based on the cornerstone of the Fabray Family Values: _do not admit weakness under any circumstances._

"So before we start, I know I'm not your psychiatrist but I feel like I have to ask this. Have you been keeping up with the Abilify?"

Quinn nodded. "Yeah. Every day. The psychiatrist added Prozac, too."

Theresa nodded. "And how's that working?"

Quinn shrugged. "It's only been a week. No negative side effects though, as far as I can tell."

"That's good though. It's typical to prescribe an SSRI alongside Abilify for young adults with bipolar disorder. I'm sure your psychiatrist went over that with you as to why, but really there isn't anything to be ashamed of." Theresa said knowingly, her smoky gray eyes meeting Quinn's.

That was another reason Quinn liked Theresa. For all of the walls and head bitch bravado she had built up, Theresa could see through them without having to break them down. There had been times, like just now, where Quinn didn't need to vocalize a certain thought or fear for Theresa to comment on it.

Quinn's reluctance was based on the cornerstone of the Fabray Family Values: do not admit weakness under any circumstances.

Quinn nodded and Theresa smiled that soft smile.

"So, how was your week? Anything you really want to talk about?"

Quinn shrugged. "I don't know. It was okay? Glee has been practicing for Nationals, which is insane since we normally don't have our songs until the day of." Quinn commented, causing Theresa to chuckle. She had become well aware of Quinn's frustrations with Mr. Schuester's lackluster teaching skills.

"Uh, we were assigned our term papers in my elective writing class. Literary movements. I'm thinking about doing Beat." Quinn said.

"Really? That's allowed in the conservative Lima school system?" Theresa asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Probably not, but Mr. Dunbar is a pretty cool teacher. He pretty much shoved his Ginsberg anthology at me." Quinn said with a small smile. "I'm torn though. We're supposed to have two written sources and a film source. I can't choose between On The Road, Naked Lunch, or One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Though I could always use that last one for film, since that adaptation is incredible. But I kind of wanted to use Fear and Loathing for that, as well."

Theresa nodded, a smile plastered on her face. "Those are all incredible works, though I do admit Naked Lunch was not exactly my taste. But Fear and Loathing is one of me and my brother's favorite movies." Theresa said "But I'm happy for you, you seem excited about that."

Quinn shrugged but smiled in acknowledgement softly, satisfied. "I'm just glad I insisted on adding my Writing class on along with AP."

Theresa nodded. "Anything else worth mentioning?"

Quinn bit her lip and shook her head 'no'. She knew Theresa could tell she was lying, but the topic wasn't something she wanted to cover yet.

"Okay." Theresa said, nodding in acceptance. She fidgeted into a more comfortable position, the leather chair squeaking under her movements, and finally settled. "So last week we left off with your family dynamic. We talked about Frannie, and how she cemented your parent's expectations of you."

Quinn's throat tightened at Theresa's words, the saliva seemingly evaporating from her mouth. "Yeah." She croaked out, closing her eyes.

"So can we talk about that? We've talked about you mom a little, but what about your father? What type of person is he?" Theresa asked, her voice calm and calculated, yet with a tone that meant she did genuinely care. It was a tone that must have come with practice- a thought that made Rachel Berry's smiling face pop into her head. Quinn fought that image back to focus on the conversation at hand.

"Russell." Quinn deadpanned. "Russell Fabray is the type of man to drink himself into a stupor on weeknights and cheat on his wife. He's the type of man to eagerly agree to paying for his 13 year daughter's nose job. He's the kind of guy to verbally assault his daughter for joining a club run by the girl with two gay dads or because he heard that her two best friends where caught making out a cheer camp. And let's not forget, the type of _stand out guy_to kick his pregnant 16 year old out of the house." Quinn said, her voice warbling as she battled with herself to keep calm.

She dared herself to open her eyes, and looked up at Theresa. Theresa's face was calm, painted with a stroke of interest and no hints of pity. A look that jarred Quinn every time she saw it. It was so- unexpected. Unsettling.

"Have you seen him since he kicked you out?" Theresa asked calmly.

Quinn's reaction was a small noise, a contradicting mix somewhere between a whimper and a growl. "No."

Theresa nodded. "Has he tried to contact you?"

"No." Quinn stated simply.

"Do you want him to?" Theresa asked, curiously. Quinn felt a shiver of dread pass down her spine at the very thought.

"Absolutely not." Quinn stated harshly. There was no room for argument there, and no way in Hell Theresa would get her to try to reconnect. Quinn didn't know what she would do if she ever met with that man again, but she had a feeling it would be violent in some manner.

"Why not?" Theresa probed.

Quinn felt her blood bubble in a slow burning rage, a reaction that tended to happen whenever someone asked dumb questions that where entirely too personal.

"Why the fuck do you _think?_" Quinn asked with an icy bite.

Theresa didn't react visibly, only leading to piss Quinn off further. "He was a monster! He didn't love me- he loved the idea of me. The appearances and outside, but he didn't love me. He couldn't have. Not after kicking me out or all of those threats."

Quinn didn't realize she was crying until Theresa nudged the tissue box across the small wooden coffee table between them. Quinn refused and looked to the wall furthest from her, eyes focusing in on the Masters degree from the University of Chicago.

"No, that sounds about right." Theresa said. "He threatened you?"

Quinn nodded, wiping a stray tear that slipped down her face. "Yeah." She said quietly.

"Like, what? What were his threats?" Theresa asked

"That if I ever ended up like my 'two dyke friends' or 'those faggot Berrys' I would regret it." Quinn whimpered. "That if I did anything to sully the good name of the Fabrays I'd regret ever being born. He kept good on that one."

It was the most she had ever admitted to anyone and it absolutely broke her inside. Her mother wasn't even fully aware of how horribly Russell had treated her.

"Are you're family-your father-is a very religious family?" Theresa asked, trying to get a grip on _why _Russell would say those things.

Quinn nodded absently. "Baptists. He was at least. After Beth I re-affiliated to our local Lutheran church. I realized that the Baptist church, at least here in Lima, was poison. If they could turn away a young girl in her time of need, or condemn people like Rachel's dads and Brittany and Santana to Hell for being in love when my parents loveless marriage was perfectly acceptable. It was all wrong. It wasn't- it wasn't the God I believed in."

Theresa nodded. "I'm glad you came to that on your own." She stated.

"I'm working on it." Quinn said with a sigh. "Somethings, they're just hard to break, you know?"

"I know." Theresa said softly. "You're doing well though."

Quinn scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Okay."

"You _are." _Theresa stated firmly. "What makes you think you're not."

"It's...hard. I don't- I don't know what to believe sometimes." Quinn admitted.

"What do you mean?"

"There's just a lot of things. I'm not so ignorant when it comes to other people but when it comes to myself it's so much more difficult to accept." Quinn stated. "Like I absolutely love Kurt and Blaine and Santana and Brittany but I-"

Quinn snapped her jaw closed, realizing what she was about to say. Feeling slightly dizzy with anger- at herself really, for almost _admitting _something she wasn't sure about so _freely. _

Theresa cocked her eyebrow and waited for Quinn to finish her sentence.

Quinn took a few deep breaths. "It's just that it's confusing. My father and my priest always talked about how there was a special place in Hell for Gay people. We'd have a moment to pray for the souls of those Gays so they could be _saved _every Sunday_. _And Dad was so- violent."

"Quinn. " Theresa said, interrupting Quinn. "In my professional opinion, your father is an _asshole. _He's a hypocrite for preaching all of that stuff and then violating the sanctity of his own marriage. He was _wrong. _And I know that you realize that, but accepting it as truth is another thing. But you're getting there."

"I know. I'm trying to work all that out." Quinn agreed. "And I don't know why that in my mind I'm an exception to these rules. Like, Rachel slept with Finn and I know she's not going to Hell for it. But I can't shake myself of this...like self acceptance that I'm a horrible person for having sex with Puck!" Quinn cried, her tears coming down harder now.

"It's because from an early age, you've been basically programmed to follow your father's expectations. He made it very clear that those were all things that he wouldn't accept. And now you're in this position, where you're opening your eyes to who he really was, and learning that he was _wrong. _And it's easier to forgive others for their transgressions then it is to forgive yourself." Theresa explained. "You were conditioned to believe these things would not only lead you to an eternity in Hell, but to disappointing your Dad and violent physical outbursts."

Quinn was full on sobbing now, her body shaking as she tried desperately to hold her cries back. "Palahniuk wrote in Fight Club said that _'If you're male and you're Christian and living in America, your father is your model for God.'_Well, I think he was wrong. It's not just males."

Theresa nodded. The two women looked at each other in silence, before Theresa spoke words that once again, hit home with Quinn.

"You're not a bad person Quinn."

Quinn shook her head. "I've done so many terrible things." She whimpered.

"Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has done things that could be considered bad, subjectively. You've done some things that, subjectively aren't very bad. You've also done things that subjectively weren't very good. What matters though is that you show remorse. You've learned from these things, these mistakes, and you're working on bettering yourself." Theresa said.

Quinn sniffled, finally caving and reaching to pull a tissue free from the box. She pawed at her eyes gently, careful not to ruin her makeup further. She didn't want to press this subject any more. She needed to process it. Her head was spinning.

"I uh-" she sniffled. "I talked with Rachel the other day and we're friends now. I think." Quinn said.

Theresa nodded, understanding that the last subject needed to air out. "Is that a good thing?"

"Yeah, it's...it's great. She's going to come over during break and help with my Yale application." Quinn said, softly as her tears started to subside.

"Why is that such a great thing?" Theresa asked. Quinn bristled slightly. Despite mentioning Rachel in various situations, they had never really fully discussed her or what she meant to Quinn. They had talked briefly about their shared interest in Finn and how Shelby adopted Beth, but that was about it.

"I well, Rachel was one of the people I used to bully- before Glee and Beth." Quinn admitted. "She was definitely my number one target. I was nasty to a lot of people, but I was evil when it came to Rachel. Slushies, insults, rumors, pornographic pictures- I dehumanized her in every way possible. But then I joined Glee and got pregnant, and she was so insistent on being my friend. She was there for me for so many things- even recently with the whole Skank baby stealing thing- and I couldn't let myself let her in."

"Why couldn't you?" Theresa asked.

"She forgave me so easily, without me even apologizing really- but _I _couldn't forgive _myself_. She deserved so much more. More than me. Especially after how _awful _I had been to her._." _Quinn said, closing her eyes as every insult, every slushy, played through her mind. "I think it made me even more mad. That she was so...so naive. So willing to forgive me."

"What changed?" Theresa asked.

Quinn paused, not sure how to answer that question. "I think she finally just broke my walls down. I- it was when I was trying to get Beth back. She had reached out to me so many times and she was always an outsider. But this time...she had gotten suspended because she tried to help Kurt win class President and stuffed the ballot box, and she couldn't perform at Sectionals but of course she was there to support us. And I had told her about what I was going to do with Shelby, and she again reached out. She told me that she knew what it was like to do the wrong thing even if she was just trying to help someone she cared about. And I guess...I don't know. I just couldn't. I couldn't do it anymore. I always had trouble denying anything from her but it was different this time." Quinn explained.

"Because this time it was like she actually understood." Theresa said.

"Yeah. I mean, we've always understood each other, but in the way one understands their reflection. Shes the opposite of me in a lot of ways, but we're very similar deep down. But this time she actually knew what was happening. She was on my side of the mirror this time." Quinn said.

"Why did you target Rachel in the first place?" Theresa asked.

Quinn blinked her eyes harshly. "I um. Well, I don't...she was all of these amazing things. Naturally beautiful, intelligent, _talented_, and she just didn't care what other people thought of her."

"And of course that caught your attention after the whole Lucy-nose job." Theresa observed.

"Yeah." Quinn said with a half hearted sigh. "It started like that."

Theresa eyed her curiously. She had a feeling of where Quinn was going, but let the girl continue.

"I...I left her alone for the first part of freshmen year. She was out of the way, really. She was bullied by the other cheerleaders, so she didn't really come near me and I just watched her from afar. But something...I don't know if changed is the right word. Built up maybe." Quinn said. She looked at Theresa, who was waiting patiently for Quinn to continue. "I um...this is hard for me." Quinn admitted breathlessly.

"We don't need to talk about all of this right now." Theresa offered.

Quinn shook her head. "No but...I need to."

"I um. I started to realize why I couldn't get her out of my head. Why I couldn't stop staring at her. It had started out of envy I guess, more like admiration really. It was...a reason that made me date Finn, and when that wasn't uh...solving anything...made me sleep with Puck." Quinn said quietly, hanging her head and kicking her wedges at the abrasive grey carpeting.

"Quinn..." Theresa said softly, understanding radiating off her in waves.

"I didn't- no, I _couldn't_think of her that way. I wanted to be around her, needed to, but that wasn't-I couldn't-So I got close to her in the safest way possible. With insults designed to not only hurt her but to make me feel...less...attracted to her." Quinn whispered. "It didn't work." Quinn admitted with a humourless chuckle. "It's...it's so much more than that now. I...have all these feelings for her. It's just so confusing."

"So. Lets map this out because there's a lot here to follow. And this is all just the cliff notes." Theresa said. "So after you got your nose job, dyed your hair and lost all the weight in order meet your family's standards, you met someone who was in a similar position, status wise, as Lucy was." Quinn nodded. "You're curiosity turned into a crush- a lesbian crush which you had been led to believe was a sin by your father. So you insulted her and dated boys to try to repress it. Which led you to joining Glee club and sleeping with Puck. You got pregnant, got kicked out because you disappointed your father anyway, and then when it was revealed to Finn the true paternity of your baby he dumped you for Rachel."

Quinn nodded again, absently.

"And then, once you had your baby- and gave her up to Rachel's biological mother- you tried to get over that by reclaiming your position on the social ladder. So you dated Sam and rejoined the cheer leading squad but ultimately, quit because Glee was more important. Then, after another tangled love web between you, Finn, Rachel, and Sam, you broke down, cut your hair, and started hanging out with a shady crowd. But then Shelby came back with Beth, and tried to meddle with your life by using your daughter as a reward- which inspired you to try to get her back. You tried to enlist Puck, but then your plan failed because he fessed up to Shelby, who he was sleeping with. And then you wanted to use that information against Shelby, but Rachel made you realize that it was the wrong thing to do."

Quinn sighed heavily, trying to quell the tears. "Yeah. Yeah that's basically the gist of it."

Theresa smiled softly. "I don't mean to sound like a bitch but I'm surprised you didn't end up here sooner."

Quinn laughed despite her tears. "Yeah. Me too, especially after putting it like that. My life sounds like a bad soap opera."

"We're almost out of time, Quinn." Theresa said. "This week I want you to make a few lists. One of the good things you see in yourself, one of the bad things, and one of your fears."

"And how will that help?" Quinn asked.

"Well, you'll bring them in, and we'll go over them and move on from there." Theresa explained cryptically.

"Okay." Quinn said, nodding.

"And Quinn, I want you to know that you are not a bad person. You deserve good things, happiness, love- just like everyone else. Being gay isn't _wrong _okay?" Theresa said.

Quinn nodded, feeling her throat dry again. "Thank you." She said.

Theresa smiled. "We've definitely made a lot of progress today. I know you have a lot to think about. I'll see you next week, same time same place."

Quinn smiled weakly before getting up and briskly walking out of the suffocating office, feeling drained and tired, yet lighter at the same time. She knew that she had a lot to work on, knew that there were things that weren't going to go away but she could manage. It was a beginning, a new cornerstone to build from.


End file.
